There is a twisted, shadowy store, most likely at your nearest mall, by the name of Sephora. The store was originally created in France, that strange country from where Croissants and Perfume originated. The amount of cosmetics contained in that store is awe-inspiring. I'm surprised that such an ungodly mix doesn't create a quantum singularity from which nothing could escape.
However, there does seem to be a singularity from which money cannot escape.
Not only is there makeup, but Sephora also has brushes, fragrances, creams, accessories, and mirrors every 15 centimeters strategically placed to remind the customers that they are not beautiful. To play so whimsically with people's self-image is insidious in its own right - to then charge them exorbitant sums of money with fake promises that they will look better with the makeup? That is just downright depraved. Somehow, they have tricked the masses into falling for their ploy. Want to smell like Jennifer Aniston? Want to look like her too? All it takes, apparently, is cash. Or credit. Or blood.
The name itself, Sephora, originates from Zipporah, which means "a female bird" but was also the name of one of Moses' wives. She was the tough one, who, according to some Bible scholars, stopped God from killing Moses by quickly circumcising their son with a sharp rock, then touching the bloody rock to Moses' foot.
What does this have to do with makeup? Well, apparently, if you are crafty like good old Zipporah was, you can fool anyone. Including God.
For tricking women (and some men) in believing they can defy their very Creator and change themselves physically, Sephora is my Evil Genius of the Week.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Your Radio Stations Confuse Me
Today I intercepted radio waves out of America, interested in analyzing the types of music and radio stations to which people are currently listening. Since there were many, I focused on those being broadcast in Los Angeles. From the mix, the most popular stations seemed to be KIIS FM (102.7), KROQ (106.7), STAR (98.7), MyFM (104.7), and KPWR (105.9). I turned to KIIS first, and logarithmically deduced the five most aired songs in a twenty-four hour period. They were, in no order of significance: "Hold it Against Me," by Britney Spears, "E.T.," by Katy Perry, "Moment 4 Life," by Nicki Minaj, "Grenade," by Bruno Mars, and "Rocketeer," by Far East Movement. Clearly, KIIS FM is some kind of amalgamation of various types of music - sort of a top hits jukebox devoid of a clear genre.
Interesting.
Well, clearly KROQ must be the "rock" station, as its name implies, yes? Here is their top five:
1. E.T.
2. Hold it Against Me.
3. Moment 4 Life.
4. Grenade.
5. Rocketeer.
Okay, so Los Angeles requires two mix-stations. Understandable, I suppose - their population is quite large. So, what about STAR? Ahem.
1. E.T.
2. Moment 4 Life.
3. Hold it Against Me.
4. Grenade.
5. Rocketeer.
You can imagine how the other radio stations fared. I have deduced that radio stations in Los Angeles must, for some inexplicable reasons, emulate each other in order to survive. Perhaps they are highly paid by the corporations responsible for these songs? If they are, then that is a genius marketing strategy. Not only are the songs being played, but they are being broadcast, sometimes simultaneously, to millions of people on an hourly basis. At one point, while streaming KIIS, STAR, and KROQ all at the same time, I heard E.T. being played on all three at the same time. Obviously, its success in sales is no coincidence. This must be a residual effect of that one period in their history fifty-some years ago, when everyone was worried about displaying a "norm." What did they call it?
Conforming.
I did come across one radio music program to which this did not apply. However, since it was only a three hour program, it doesn't quite compare to the other stations that play music on an endless loop.
I would like to conclude by honorably saluting the music industry and radio station's unholy union in mind controlling the multitudes. Perhaps one day, they will share their secrets with my society.
End transmission.
Interesting.
Well, clearly KROQ must be the "rock" station, as its name implies, yes? Here is their top five:
1. E.T.
2. Hold it Against Me.
3. Moment 4 Life.
4. Grenade.
5. Rocketeer.
Okay, so Los Angeles requires two mix-stations. Understandable, I suppose - their population is quite large. So, what about STAR? Ahem.
1. E.T.
2. Moment 4 Life.
3. Hold it Against Me.
4. Grenade.
5. Rocketeer.
You can imagine how the other radio stations fared. I have deduced that radio stations in Los Angeles must, for some inexplicable reasons, emulate each other in order to survive. Perhaps they are highly paid by the corporations responsible for these songs? If they are, then that is a genius marketing strategy. Not only are the songs being played, but they are being broadcast, sometimes simultaneously, to millions of people on an hourly basis. At one point, while streaming KIIS, STAR, and KROQ all at the same time, I heard E.T. being played on all three at the same time. Obviously, its success in sales is no coincidence. This must be a residual effect of that one period in their history fifty-some years ago, when everyone was worried about displaying a "norm." What did they call it?
Conforming.
I did come across one radio music program to which this did not apply. However, since it was only a three hour program, it doesn't quite compare to the other stations that play music on an endless loop.
I would like to conclude by honorably saluting the music industry and radio station's unholy union in mind controlling the multitudes. Perhaps one day, they will share their secrets with my society.
End transmission.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Earth, Google Thousands of Years Behind
Thanks to my ability to intercept virtually anything that goes on in your Webosphere, I can view and interpret what laughable current events people are following. Which brings me to the point of today's transmission: Google Motion.
http://mail.google.com/mail/help/motion.html
My first thoughts when I read this were, "Oh my, Humans can't do this with their minds yet?" But then I had an afterthought - you're still using keyboards? It is very interesting to me, and it seems to be a modern manifestation of your evolution. Not so long ago in the history of your planet, you invented the first tools. Ok, so they were mainly for killing and maiming opposing clans, but they were still tools. Today, that reliance on tools remains heavy, even if they are dressed up in clean white boxes and sold to people who think they need them. But the issue here is one of communication.
There are only a dozen or so creatures on this planet who must use tools to communicate and/or survive. I know of at least one species of bird that catches worms with a stick. Which I fully understand. But using a tool for basic communication? I guess, coming from a hive-mind civilization, this concept will forever escape me.
I digress.
Using motion to communicate is primal, feral, and a bit barbaric. In today's society, communication via gesture is usually reserved for moments of extreme emotion. People are mad, they display their middle fingers, people are enamored, they exchange saliva and grope each other. But nobody says "hello" by waving their arm around in a half-circle. People have long glorified themselves by claiming to be the only species on Earth to have developed a little thing called language. Now they're struggling to make it obsolete by resorting to silly gestures and some arm-flailing?
My conclave back home would not believe me if I told them.
End transmission.
http://mail.google.com/mail/help/motion.html
My first thoughts when I read this were, "Oh my, Humans can't do this with their minds yet?" But then I had an afterthought - you're still using keyboards? It is very interesting to me, and it seems to be a modern manifestation of your evolution. Not so long ago in the history of your planet, you invented the first tools. Ok, so they were mainly for killing and maiming opposing clans, but they were still tools. Today, that reliance on tools remains heavy, even if they are dressed up in clean white boxes and sold to people who think they need them. But the issue here is one of communication.
There are only a dozen or so creatures on this planet who must use tools to communicate and/or survive. I know of at least one species of bird that catches worms with a stick. Which I fully understand. But using a tool for basic communication? I guess, coming from a hive-mind civilization, this concept will forever escape me.
I digress.
Using motion to communicate is primal, feral, and a bit barbaric. In today's society, communication via gesture is usually reserved for moments of extreme emotion. People are mad, they display their middle fingers, people are enamored, they exchange saliva and grope each other. But nobody says "hello" by waving their arm around in a half-circle. People have long glorified themselves by claiming to be the only species on Earth to have developed a little thing called language. Now they're struggling to make it obsolete by resorting to silly gestures and some arm-flailing?
My conclave back home would not believe me if I told them.
End transmission.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Evil Genius of the Week - Netflix
What started as a small rent-by-mail video store in 1998 quickly became a subscription juggernaut within two years of its initial launch. Due to some logistical mastermind's diabolical thinking, Netflix was able to lure fourteen million unsuspecting subscribers by the year 2010. Little did they know, they were participating in the swift decimation of thousands of video stores. Blockbuster Video tried nearly everything within their power to stay afloat, including opening puny, pathetic video kiosks and building a $900 million debt. They were finally forced to file for bankruptcy in 2010.
Meanwhile, the nefarious businesspeople at Netflix promised its users a video-on-demand service. Coaxed by the prospects that their favorite movies and television shows could be streamed within minutes, millions of people groaned in agony when they realized this was reserved for only obscure documentaries, D-list horror films, and a handful of new releases. Would you like to watch The Social Network, silly human? Sorry, you are number 32,653 in the queue. But, don't worry, you can instantly watch Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work.
For tricking the people of earth into doing its bidding and deftly crushing its opponents, Netflix is my Evil Genius of the Week.
To The Warlords of Earth - A Humble Introduction
My name is too long and complicated for your species to pronounce, but you may call me Fyzzle. I come in peace - please, please don't kill me. We know you have a propensity for violence, and I wanted to make that point as clear as possible. I have adopted the language of your most dominant and forceful nation, as is customary on my planet. To the mighty America: I, Fyzzle, salute you - may the blood of your enemies flood your deepest ravines.
I have traveled from my planet on the Scutum-Centaurus Arm of our galaxy to observe Earth. In all honesty, I had wished to visit Neptune, but I lost a wager to my co-worker and now I'm stuck here.
As we say back home, the cosmos know best.
Hopefully, I will reach a deep understanding of your planet and its inhabitants from a distant, safe orbit. I would land, but I'm fairly certain I will be captured and dissected within hours of touching down, and my ship will no doubt end up on E-Bay.
End transmission.
I have traveled from my planet on the Scutum-Centaurus Arm of our galaxy to observe Earth. In all honesty, I had wished to visit Neptune, but I lost a wager to my co-worker and now I'm stuck here.
As we say back home, the cosmos know best.
Hopefully, I will reach a deep understanding of your planet and its inhabitants from a distant, safe orbit. I would land, but I'm fairly certain I will be captured and dissected within hours of touching down, and my ship will no doubt end up on E-Bay.
End transmission.
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